Reflection of Bad TASTES - M. Bean

M. Bean left a bad taste in my mouth. Even now I dislike him as a whole being. Way pass what my mama and my sister, and what they did this summer. However I have forgiven them faster and whole heatedly than him. Kelechi said something that made me feel even worse about me and dating. He wanted me to remember M. Bean for the funny person he was and is. To remember the good.... Why was he taking sides?!?! So now I am supposed to just tell myself that what he did and he said was okay?

That day I felt like tearing up everything; running for miles until i was in agony all over that I could only let go of that whole occurence because I had to think about how to deal with the physical pain of running miles.Had I not been at my own house, I was sure I would have torn up every single thing that could break.When I look back at my time with him, I was up and down. Even when he is brought up in a conversation, that still happens. Pst T. ADE once said " Can you be there for yourself?" I was going through a lot then; unavoidable foreclosure, no money and barely a job, mother and sister avoiding me, distance and loneliness the only thing calling you (the only thing). There was no one and I just didn't know how to stop the thoughts from driving me crazy without calling him#1 or him#2 whoever to keep me the center of attention. Being the center of attention takes up mind-space, which was a really good thing...Love me love me, look at me look at me...

So is this guilt I feel? But how can I feel that way when I was not given an opportunity to know what was really going on? He didn't even give me a chance, and I am sure he doesn't remember the good things about me either. I know that what I got from him is probably what I was giving to others. That is what was going on in my mind that night he called me back and let me have it. Name after name after name rushed around in my mind, bad taste after bad taste after bad taste, those times it was me, that was leaving it.

Kelechi and Mara said to open the lines of communication, however those lines where blown out of the ground and chopped up burned. You call me to let me know that you have made up your mind about something our situation, then yell at me because I am not contesting "arguing against"  your decision. What am I? Your sounding board? Do I not have feelings or emotions? Do I not bleed blood when cut? or Cry when hurt?  I think that for the way he handled that situation he is immature, cowardly and not worthy of using the term " real man." It takes more than the appearence of a man and the appendage between the legs to have the right to use it. Why do you think we don't call butch ladies men?

There is a unmistakeable air of unimportance in my world, around me. He did to me what WBP#2 (wanna-be-playa) did to on a different level. I say that because I was giving him a greater effort of the best of me. I was trying to be the best everything to him. I actually took my time to listen to his words and meanings behind them; took time to make sure (period). Yet, it was not good enough. I am tired of using the word hate with these "tastes."

I could not stand even the thought of EVER talking to him AGAIN. Of ever, ending up in the same social situation, be it party or funeral. The only way that could happen, like I told Kelechi, was if I beat the bloody snot out of him until I was exhausted. Then and only then would I be ready to deal with him.

I took Kelechi's advice to give him a try, to begin with.Knowing, meaning that I had full information as to what was going to happen and that is exactly what happened. How can someone despise another without full information from the source (the despisee)? Haven't I been cheated enough already?

Why do women even have to desire to want to cater to a man? Whether good or bad. Why do some continue to hope for a better man but refuse to let go of the "Non entity? Thinking this has caused me to understand that my aunts' futures are trying to mess up the road ahead and I don't want that, but am ready for a life of reclusion and purpose-less-ness.




When you spend a lot of time thinking about BAD TASTES some of those thoughts end up like this...

To my would be future children, Chinenye and ... Goodbye. You may never get to see me, know me, laugh or play with me. I may not ever get the opportunity to hold you in my arms, to create your baby books, mentally record special moments like go to any of your graduations from kindergarten to and through college

To my dear would have been future husband, our marriage would have been a great one. Very historic in the story of our lives. There would have been an abundance of love, grace, understanding. It would have been a life to live for, more than a union or a fusion; a birth of a spirit.